Fifahatesme: Our Ultimate Team Timeline.

      A man's relationship with his ultimate team is a bit like the one with his boxers: once you've worn them fresh, enjoyed them, settled with them, changed things up by turning them inside out or the wrong way round, the time comes (after a few uncleanly days) when it is time for a change. 

The Fifahatesme team timeline:

Early doors (September 2012) - anyone fast and cheap, serie A (Muriel, Armero, Biabiany, Ogbonna...pacecunts basically)

Making money (October - November 2012) - expanding the Serie A team to bring in Cavani, Di Natale etc.) http://www.ea.com/uk/football/fifa-ultimate-team/show-off#gcWNt1lCnKe:360 

Pros:

- Cavani is the strongest man alive

- Di Natale has the ball glued to his foot

- Chiellini, Palacio and Abate are fake.

- Pirlo

Cons:

- Di Natale too small

- Robinho not fake enough

- Cavani no skills

- Pirlo too slow

- Buffon's a retard

- Nagatomo's a Man Utd fan.

I hate Serie A (December 2012) - Time to go BPL http://www.ea.com/uk/football/fifa-ultimate-team/show-off#kZybpnzPwQe:360

Pros:

- Kompany, Toure and Maicon are BBB (big black beasts)

- Clichy is fake rapid

- Ben Arfa is also fake rapid

- Tevez has a rocket

Cons:

- Rooney is shite

- Hazard doesn't live up to expectations

- No fakeness at the back...be better off with Kaboul and Luiz

- Cech wears a scrum cap

10 days later...i hate BPL - BBVA! http://www.ea.com/uk/football/fifa-ultimate-team/show-off#LhmqRmNwy2c:360

Cons: 

- Iniesta's slow

- Xavi's slow

- Pique's slow

- Try to play a nice well worked build up possession play with the delights from Barca...get gunned by twats with rapid teams.

A few combinations were tried in between including a Brazil/Bundesliga hybrid, which admittedly lasted quite a while because i fell in love with Robben: http://www.ea.com/uk/football/fifa-ultimate-team/show-off#jw6bFG08RwH:360 

I'll miss you Robben, but i need informs (February 2013): http://www.ea.com/uk/football/fifa-ultimate-team/show-off#gp8QVM4nR9U:360

Pros:

- Walcott is the fastest man alive

- Torres is actually good in virtual life

- Koscielny's a beast

- Konko's a beast

- RAMOS

Cons:

- Walcott is built like a child

- Michu shoots like he has autism

- Casillas can't catch

INFORM CHIELLINI COMES OUT: http://www.ea.com/uk/football/fifa-ultimate-team/show-off#keCJ3SRrS59:360

....he isn't worth the money.

And now, i return to my roots with Serie A, armed with some extra cash and a knowledge that Arturo Vidal is the fakest man ever to grace the CDM position: http://www.ea.com/uk/football/fifa-ultimate-team/show-off#fl8TKh1hUbD:360

They will be played with today...and next week they will no doubt be up for sale making me some losses.

Got a beast of a team? Email it to gillyhomebcb@gmail.com for it to be boasted in next week's FUT feature.

#TeamBCB

Aye Ok Fifa Mate.

Horrendous defeat suffered by BCB member Tiger (Stinky Steve), one of the fakest, most unwelcome stats 

Fifa has delivered. 

This went down during one of those days where Fifa decides it will hate you all day, no matter how hard you try, how shit the other guy is, how many fake bastards like Luiz you chuck in your team or how many times you fire the ball at the goals...nothing goes in and you just can't win. 

Every game becomes a losing battle against spown and your own temper.

During such days we recommend having at least one of the following handy:

- smash pad

- shoe

- vaseline

- empty bottles

- your legs

- or a flatmate that you bully

'Fifa is a cunt day'

Let it be short and as painless as possible.

#TeamBCB

Geez a click!

New Activity of the week to try.

Farting in a cup and giving it to your neighbour.

A shite bastert at Fifa.




#TeamBCB

Fifa Memes of the Week.

Got a Fifa meme? Post it below or send it to gillyhomebcb@gmail.com

#TeamBCB

Give it a click:

Twitter Rage Picks #Fifahatesme

Our recent #Fifahatesme picks from Twitter:

1. 
   

   Mar 4Craig Stark ‏@MMA_Craig

   @FifaHatesMe @adam_wba #fuckufifa #fifahatesme look it's happening again!! Aaargghhh screw u @EA

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   1. 
      

      Mar 4Experience Muir ‏@adonismuir

      “@LukeHines: Just went ape shit at fifa and broke my ps3 controller”@FifaHatesMe

      Expand

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   and of course the retweet from the bronze beast himself:

   
   

   1. Gary McSheffrey ‏@sheebagee

      😂😂😂😂funny link that!!

      Expand
   2. 58 minsFifaHatesMe ‏@FifaHatesMe

      Fifahatesme returns! Check out http://fifahatesme.blogspot.co.uk/  for our focus on Gary McSheffrey @sheebagee! @KSIOlajidebt,@EASPORTSFIFA

       Retweeted by Gary McSheffrey

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   #TeamBCB

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Keep fifahatesme going, give this video a click...

   
   

Fifa Hates Me: Weekly Player Focus: GARY MCSHEFFREY!

Welcome Back!


    Fifa hates me returns after a shite fortnight of assignment writing with its Fifa fake player focus of the week. Last time we looked at the black beast that is Arouna Kone. This week we're switching flavours and going vanilla with Coventry's answer to Wayne Rooney: GARY MCSHEFFREY! (minus the fat, re-baldness and desire for old fanny).

oosh

Name: Gary Mcsheffrey
Nation: England
Club: Coventry City
League: Npower League 1
Position: CAM
Height: 5ft 8
Weak foot: 3 stars
Skill moves: 3 stars

Futhead link: http://www.futhead.com/fifa/players/1816/

     
             Gary Mcsheffrey is the one and only player to have survived my FUT from my very first team back in September. This bronze sexual beast (no homo) will be the pinnacle of any bronze team, fuck the chemistry, this man has a left foot that defy's any logic EA has to offer. With the 'long shot taker' trait, long shot rating of 69 (for a bronze) and shot power of 75 you'll find yourself slotting in 40 yarders left, right and centre! Upon scoring such a beast please remember to pause and message your opponent a simple 'boom' to celebrate Gary's Glorious Goal (alliteration king).
           
Here's a few Mcsheffrey specials courtesy of some dude with a squeaky voice...so feel free to mute if you want to enjoy:

            Now, it's not just G bomb's/G-dizzle/G slice's long shots that make you want to spuff. In looking at his stats, there's one green that stands out...balance. At a bronze level where balance gets heavily overlooked, and you find yourself with 6ft 5 tanks getting brought to their knees by little pubelets, a balance rating of 84 on a short lad like Gary means you'll be weaving your way in and out of tackles all day virtually untouched! Set yourself up nicely on the halfway line with him, slip round a few chaps and plum one in from as far out as you dare.

               Here he is in my bronzebc's...average team but you don't need to buy big when you can play big with Gary:

http://www.ea.com/uk/football/fifa-ultimate-team/show-off#bufszgmZTzg:360


             So please, make the best Fifa decision you've made all year, take Mr Mcsheffrey under your wing and start your shooting spree.


If you score any beasts...which you will, upload them and send them to gillyhomebcb@gmail.com.


#TeamBCB



Stay tuned for our next Fifa fake player focus!


Keep the page going and click play on this video...cheers!

Fifa Rages of the Week.

Ultimate Fifa rage:

Rage level: 6

                                       

Rage level: obese.

Happy Raging!

#TeamBCB

Encounter with The Masturbation Moderator

Fifahub.com: where talk of players being fake is apparently not accepted. Having posted on the forum a rather light hearted topic about players using fakery like David Luiz, Santana etc. i was met with the backlash of a moderator clearly on his period. A dedicated man to the cause of all things fifa he was and so a lengthy argument on whether some players are fake and whether pace is important in fifa ensued, with me submitting posts in between an essay i'm writing, and him submitting essays on fifa in between his half hourly vintage porn wank sessions.

Anyway, things got to the stage where we had digressed to me calling his team shit and him taking a while to reply because he was bathing his mum, but then replying with some pish about custom tactics and percentages which to the regular person who's highlight of the day doesn't include getting a new top personal best in face spunking became quite boring, and so i decided to be the mature adult and replace all my posts with how much i love fifa forums and how fun they are. This made Mr.Moderator man look bad and him and his red willy got angry and so he decided to take time out of masturbating to compile a really pretty table of our teams goal stats, which i'm sure would have got him a big gold star at his Fifa fan camp. His stats are decent and well played to him but the sheer gayness of that table and the rest of his posts gets rid of all shame i had in this cretin scoring more goals than me.

Please read and enjoy the hatred of some people at their beloved game getting slandered:


(Just logged on this morning to see he's had me kicked off the forums...diddums...so he probably deleted the post too, just incase this link leads to nothing)


http://www.fifahub.com/index.php?/topic/6653-overpowered-defenders/



If you agree with him then Fifa doesn't hate you and you should leave.. but when Giovinco outjumps your Naldo in the 90th minute don't come running back.

Provided by a real doctor apparently 

Yours lollingly,


#TeamBCB

Everytimers!

Open goals.
We should all score them with ease. However, we don’t.
Chris Iwelumo’s miss for Scotland reminds me of some detrimental misses I have suffered in Fifa.
Fair enough EA, we’re not gonna score everything we hit, that would be unfair… call it Fifa scripting or whatever you want. But, the one thing that grinds my gears with missing open goals is CHIPPING THE BALL OVER THE DAMN GOALS. 
Observe the photo provided. Our kind friend in the yellow circle has hit a respectable shot that has given the keeper some trouble. Oh yes. He’s parried the shot… Our other friend in the red circle is set up for what we like to call an “every timer” (scoring a rebound after a parry – should happen everytime).
Now I’m thinking, “Surely… Surely… Yes. Yes. Yes. No… No! NO!!!”
Our red circled friend has somehow managed to lift the ball over the goals and hit in the direction of the black arrow provided in the picture.
Now I sit there thinking “wtf.” Why has the ball been hit over the bar? I’ll tell you why. Our friend in the red circle has attempted to CHIP THE BALL INTO OPEN GOALS.
Why? Why? WHY?
Because.
For some f*cking reason… my left index finger has managed to press down the LB button (xbox – L1 for you PS3 users). Why the hell my finger pressed that button I don’t know. There is no explanation for it. There’s no reason for that finger even being close to that button. I’m in on goal… I’m not gonna pass. So why LB? WHY?
Why does this only happen under “open goal” circumstances?
Some believe that one button bashes anxiously as they attempt to score that precious goal that they need… But whether this is solid fact, I do not know.
If we ever find out the reason this happens we’ll be the first to let you know. But, hear this fellow fifa lover/loather. You are not alone. The everytimer chip haunts us all.

Here was Iwelumo's miss that made every Scotland fan want to cry:

Not quite an 'lb'er' but still pretty fucking special.

Got any terrible misses you'd like to share?

Send me them at gillyhomebcb@gmail.com

#TeamBCB

#Fifahatesme

Fifa, go home, you're aff yer puss:

#TeamBCB

Fifahatesme Weekly Player Focus: AROUNA KONE!

We all know Fifa can be fake as fuck…

Fifa 13 takes it to new heights… if I got asked right now what was the best Fifa game of all time I would say Fifa 12. Yeah Fifa 2005 was amazing cause of the freekick cursor and the glorius players that topped the game at that time (e.g.Thierry Henry), and even the sound track was class.
But the graphics of the games dating before 2010 in this day and age are just unacceptable. Some level of fakeness and spown has to be acceptable. For one in Fifa 12 you could actually score a finesse goal. Dae geez having 99 curve and missing a simple RB & B shot (xbox).
So what can we do? Fight fakeness with fakeness…

Introducing FifaHatesMe Weekly Player Focus:

This week we’re gonna talk about Kone!!!!








Name: Arouna Kone
Nation: Ivory Coast
Club: Wigan Athletic
League: Barclays Premier League
Position: ST
Height: 6ft
Foot : Right
Weak Foot: 4 stars
Skills: 4 Stars

http://www.futhead.com/fifa/players/1475/ (here's his Futhead link if you wanna check out his stats in depth)

           Now, unlike futhead.com, I’m not gonna sit and tell you all his in games stats… no no my friend. I’m gonna tell you how fake this black mofo is (no racial) (disclosure - written by a black guy...well, almost).
Kone is a fucking bullet… the man is black, so naturally he’s an absolute gun and out paces so many people… FUT say that he has 87 pace overall… might as well make that 99 cause he ain’t getting caught on a normal fifa day (no fake morale (sluggishness when your team has VH morale) and no fake defenders – check the wall of fake to know who these are).
           He looks tiny… yet he’s 6ft. You know what that means… HEADERS. All day. Kone’s an all-round striker… much like Marco Reus… but he has more fight in him. He has a decent amount of strength about him which makes him an honorary BCB – Built Class Boss.
Kone has a hidden shooting trait of which his fellow countrymen (Drogba) used to provide in FUT. The man shoots rockets for fun… Long shots for days. He can also finesse as well… to the extent that Fifa allows this year because apparently finesse shots are near impossible from outside the box. Cheers EA.

This gem of a player only costs around 1k. C’mon… he’s a gift.


Here he is in action:

Any thoughts on Kone or who should be our next fake focus of the week? Feel free to comment below!




#TeamBCB

Fifa Packs

            Anyone playing Ultimate Team will be well aware that EA's torment doesn't end with the goings on during matches. No no. Although Fifa cost about forty quid to buy, i must have chucked in at least double that by now in packs. Each time i tell myself, oh, just a fiver, i won't stick in anymore for the rest of the month, but each time i'm met with the same crap and end up hammering in another fiver 2 minutes later. 
            Last week for example, after getting a disgustingly bad free pack on the monday, with not one rare, i decided i'd been a good boy and deserved to splash out on some packs. I decided to cane in an amount equivalent to a good few days worth of food into my beloved xbox, hoping that this time i'd be mean't with someone glorious: Thiago Silva? Ribery? even someone less profitable like Van P...but nah, Fifa decided that it would be way too nice of them to give out someone like that, so who instead did i get? Wagner Love. Yeah he's good in game, he's a bit of a fake bastard, he's got black man pace and a pretty sweet haircut to top it off...but he's also worth fuck all and i've had him about 10 times before this. I wanted to rip my ball hair out.
             Did this utter waste of money deter me from buying more? nah course not. Come thursday, in form Reus appeared with his 99 long shots and of course i thought i could get him. Did i nothing. And each and every week i'll go through the same ritual of quick selling the trail of terrible players that meet my eyes when they open in prayer whilst opening my packs. Oh EA you massive cunt.

Here's Ksi's pack opening from last year...genius video but his Falcao find makes me reek of envy.

Who's been your best pack find? Feel free to comment below!

#TeamBCB

It seems it all got a bit too much for one fifa fakery victim:

#fifahatesme





Get well soon.



#TeamBCB

Just got an email of this criminal fifa activity...i can only hope this one shot one goal pube received a suitably worded message for his ridiculous luck:

Straight to the top of the wall of balls. 

Submitted by: Fifa Victim: Orestis Pavlou

Our condolences go out to you Orestis.



Submit your b.s post-match stats to gillyhomebcb@gmail.com



#TeamBCB

I thought David Luiz was just overly strong and over paced...turns out that's not where his fakeness ends:

#TeamBCB

Naw.


Suffered this ridiculous loss in the final of the gold cup, then got a message saying it should have been 5-0...cunt level 10.




This managed to cheer me up though:

pubic lice.

#TeamBCB

A suitably titled video of more fake antics in our beloved fifa:

Fake on fake.

Submitted by: youtuber - 

ImAstroGaming

 

Click the name to check out his channel

Submit your spawnyness to gillyhomebcb@gmail.com

#TeamBCB

Here's a goal i scored against my little brother...needless to say he wanted to kill me afterwards.

Bullshit or justified because it's Robben?

Submit your pounding halfway fakery to gillyhomebcb@gmail.com

#TeamBCB

Headers

Headers

We either love them or hate them.

A bit like our relationship with Fifa 13.

However, i find that i loathe them more than anything...

Take the picture above for example. WTF is Barzagli doing for a start? He's a defender. For Juventus...biggest team in Italy at the moment and all i can see is a man puffing out. NO. Bullshit. 
I don't even have to check Futhead (great website btw) to see if Barzagli is bigger than Neymar, or better at heading or jumping or stronger for that matter. There is just no way he should be losing in the air...yet he's getting beat by that stump of man. Neymar's pretty good and probably not the best for this example, but if i put up a person like Adel Taarabt you'd be even more disgusted.
The point is that heading is bullshit. It's mainly filled with filth and luck. Example...i had Taarabt and Traore up top in my UT. Have you seen Traore? Dat there BBC (Big Black Cock). The man is 6 fucking 8. 6"8. That's fucking huge. Yet...Taarabt scored more headers for me than him? Standard EA logic.
What grinds my gears is that heading requires no skill. Nothing worse than playing a possession whore who guns it to the edge of the box to whip it back in for a jew header. So scummy...and what can you do?
Well to be honest not very much. But here's some very fake and cheap centre backs that may help against this fakery:

1. David Luiz (fakest bastard of the century)
2. Felipe Santana
3. Naldo
4. Kaboul
5. Diakite (tank)
6. Smalling
7. N'kolou
8. Ogbonna
9. Dede
10.Richards (Recommended to play as CB...Dat Pace, Dat BBC)



#TeamBCB